Musings

As I stood at the scanner, and sneezed for the second time. I thought about how my personality could be as if the seven dwarves were coming out of me. Yes, I was sneezy in this moment. I thought about when I drop something or if someone new talks to me, I instantly become bashful, visibly in my cheeks. I can be dopey but only when I am comfortable. I feel like Doc when I put my glasses on. I definitely can be grumpy. But as I ponder the personification of my personalities, I don't want to be classified as a dwarf. Ha. I want to be someone majestic like Snow White; she is usually not my prefered princess, but since watching Once Upon A Time, I enjoy Snow's character.

My prayer for you:
To see days of freedom.
To be humbled, so as to never grow too cold.
To accept love, even when it is from a stranger.
To never belittle yourself.
To accept criticism as a chance to grow.
To be bold in what you believe.
To never put yourself in a box.
To sing because it makes you happy.
To dance with courage and expression.
To laugh at the lies that pop in your head.
To read with curiosity.
To live each day.
To be present each moment.
To thank God for every second.
Jesus loves you for you, not what you could be or what others think of you, he loves you for you. All he wants is your heart. He wants to spend time with you. He does not have an agenda for you or a checklist. His arms are open wide always waiting to receive you with warmth. Wipe away the distant God image you have in your head. He is close, talk to him and don't forget to listen.

Orange and a little bit of green

Oh the freedom to write. How I would like to write about things pertaining to things about things concerning things. However, I do know the Internet is out of control, well out of my control.

There is something about the neon lights,
the rows and rows of packaged items,
odd persons strolling about,
a glowing red box,
gf options of course,
but really its not about this at all,
the people,
the songs that echo throughout the empty aisles,
drop-it-lowing it occasionally,
can this really be the go-to place?
Is this really a favorite hobby?
This is the location that will most likely be my first music video.
okay, maybe my second.
The first music video will be more organic and natural;
trees, rolling hills, skies, and maybe a window.
Back to the fluorescent,
a weeknight phenomenon,
Shaw's. Open til midnight.

Jesus is my hope

This morning I sat on a mini-igloo. I let out a couple yelps, which is not unexpected to my roommates. As I peeled myself out of my layers to go to church, R discovers that the heat is not working. Let me just say, we were basically camping. Wow. I stood at church with my massive down jacket, as if I were wearing my own comforter to church.

 The Holy Spirit is the best teacher one can have. I have seen time after time when He has brought clarity in my mind, this includes the complexity of the bible. "Where there is no hope for the future, there is no power for the present." I still recall the night as I layed in my bed and said to R, "I have hope."Let me clarify why this statement is as powerful as it is. I would like to preface this by saying, I do know I have a lot in this world in comparison, but I do also acknowledge my personal daily struggles.

I received a strong word from the Lord, to stay put. As I wrote these two words in my journal, you would have thought I was wrestling with the pen. My face even crinkled up and my eyebrows furrowed. However, I did have the strength and faith to write it. As days passed and as I held on to obedience, I found this deep peace that was beyond my own understanding. I wanted to go explore the world, be in a new location, especially as a single person. I wanted to experience more cultures than just my own. I am a great traveler, over the past five years I have been unpacking and packing my overnight bags weekly.  I am good at it. Of course, many times I have craved consistency. For example, I had 4 toothbrushes, one at each location: Dorm, sister's apartment, parents' house, and work. Yes, this is for real, at least I have clean teeth ;). Basically I reflect on these moments because I did not want to stay put at all. I especially did not want to stay put because of a sour relationship that seems to push on a lot of my buttons including my anger button.

The transition from being a full-time student for the past 17.5 years, to this "real life" is big. All of a sudden it hits you, loans come knocking at the door and not having a constant syllabus to fuel my schedule no longer exists. I keep saying, "no one warns us!" However, people most definitely warned me, I just never understood until I stood in this gap of not knowing anything, literally, not knowing anything that was in front of me. It is overwhelming, but also exciting, but also scary. Some mornings I wake up saying, "God, I am scared." The unknown is scary. I remember someone saying, the future is scary because we forget Jesus will be with us in the future. Be present, because Jesus is in my presence.

Hope, it really does start consciously. "But hope that is seen is not hope at all. Who hopes for what he already has?" (Hebrews 8.24) I am needy and I am glad I am needy because God is near to me in my time of need. I remember the time I decided I was going to be faithful to God no matter what, as I sat next to my sister, we wrote on a piece of paper our vow to faithful to our heavenly father and that was a huge turning point in my walk with Jesus. The most ironic part of my tiny decision to be faithful to God is that He has shown me in immeasurable ways how faithful He truly is. Rather than being a wounded dog, I will stand up again in my "garment of salvation" and my "robe of righteousness," I will say Jesus is my hope and he allows my faith to grow even when injustice beats at my door. It is better to hope than sit in complacency. I rather put all my hope in Jesus than anything else. I do know He is the only faithful and true one.

 ¹¹ Then I saw heaven opened, and behold, a white horse! The one sitting on it is called Faithful and True, and in righteousness he judges and makes war. ¹²His eyes are like a flame of fire, and on his head are many diadems, and he has a name written that no one knows but himself. ¹³ He is clothed in a robe dipped in blood, and the name by which he is called is The Word of God. ¹⁴ And the armies of heaven, arrayed in fine linen, white and pure, were following him on white horses. ¹⁵ From his mouth comes a sharp sword with which to strike down the nations, and he will rule them with a rod of iron. He will tread the winepress of the fury of the wrath of God the Almighty. ¹⁶ On his robe and on his thigh he has a name written, King of kings and Lord of lords. Revelation 19.11-16

Up & Down

To understand the brevity of life and to take life seriously: Does the understanding only come when something devastating happens? Why is it ignored in the mundane details of the everyday? How can you teach someone, if they have never learned this reality? Why, oh why, do things happen the way they do?

For some, we need to just chill out and stop taking our tiny role so seriously. Honestly. We need to chill. Other times, there are the ones that have been chilling for far to long and they need to take something serious. Because this world is passing quickly. In an instant everything could be gone. We need to realize that.

We need to realize that we, ourselves, are not at the middle of the world. At the same time we need to realize we are responsible for our actions. Here I go again, it is as if I am trying to balance out the see-saw.

It is pretty amazing though, how each of us, we are not the same. I told the kids today, don't ever compare each other's problems. One thing may be hard for you and be easy-peasy for me. We all have our own pain and our hardship and our own joys and our own successes. Let's stop with the comparing and bear with each other in love. I may get excited about one thing, that does not mean everyone else is going to be excited. I am thankful for that too, because sometimes I don't want everyone to have the same interests as me. For example, when people say to me, "I can't even draw a stick figure," (I hear that at least once a month) I rejoice that we don't have the same strengths. I tell them imagine if we all had this same gift, what would be the point? I also tell them they definitely have a gift that I do not have and I rejoice over it.

I am going to stop asking "why?" I am instead going to continue on with what I know I can do and what God is telling me to do. Often times for me it feels like how am I going to make it? I sometimes marvel at people's lives and wonder, wow they are making it. This life is not easy. I am glad this life is short and that when it comes time for me to go home, it is for eternity.

little sweet things

So this morning I woke near sunrise, I had to force my body out of bed to the shower. When I exited the house I walked through a spider's web and sneezed all the way to the car. Apparently my allergies are acting up today. I arrived at the house two minutes early after listening to Ezekiel on my ipod. Wow, I need to learn more about Ezekiel.

I made the girls breakfast and we then had a small dance party where the girls were learning more dance moves like twirling and raising their hands in the air. I was having a lot of fun, because now they are copying my dance moves more than ever. Afterwards we played and then I knew it was time for a nap when one of the girls was laying down while coloring with her crayons. So funny! They put themselves to bed and I went up and covered them. I then did some research to find a potential beach spot for this afternoon. I was craving a peppermint mocha so much that I attempted at making my own right here where they happen to have all the correct ingredients. For a first time try, I'd say I did pretty well making myself a latte. I am enjoying it as I type.

So I decided to bake bread. Yes, bread from scratch. I wanted to use the whole wheat yeast. I had not made bread with yeast since el dia de los muertos in middle school.  I then had the tangled song going through my head. I have done so much already before noon. Don't worry I did start to learn a new song on the piano somewhere in there too. I should start to be more attracted to the idea of waking up early, but morning Clara needs the extra jolt to get herself out of bed, like a job.

On Tuesday the other girls I watch had me act out the Tangled song, and they kept saying, Wow! It looks like you are the one singing. It was so entertaining to act it out for them. They were giving me all the props at the right time. So here's a toast, holding my latte high in the air, to the little sweet things that make life enjoyable.

Give me that hope..

As I was praying today, it was as if I was flooded with amount of pain that is on this earth and especially pain in the people's lives that surround me. So as I started to pray simple requests for healing, I started to write down my thoughts which then turned into a song. "We all need healing; Don't be to proud to say."
And then I started to list out different types of pain, but then the chorus consisted of "Give me this hope." It is funny because at first I did not have hope, but I just kept singing it. Literally by the end of my singing the song, God replaced my pain and concern for others with this beautiful thing called: hope. It is a hope in my God and what He is doing and why He has placed me here. This holy exchange is so beautiful because it is something I can never earn, but something He loves to give to his children. I was even asking God to overwhelm me with the tangible presence of the Holy Spirit.... I know what a request; but oh how he answered swiftly. You know when you have pain in your heart or compassion for others and you can feel it in your chest or in your belly? Well, that is what I was feeling. But then after I asked God for his sweet hope, I felt light and peaceful. So I had to write about it.

So if you are feeling hopeless, know that there is hope. Don't just sit and ignore God. He knows your pain and He wants to go to that place with you. Not only will Jesus share in your sufferings but He will give you hope in exchange. So go ahead invite Him there to that place.

Tanned feet in the winter.

Puerto Rico, Aruba, Bonaire, Grenada, Dominica, and St. Thomas. I had not yet traveled to five of the six before.  Some of my favorite aspects of the different Islands were to see the children and to see the variety of homes that were there. I found the tiny details exciting. Bright purple porches, or bright orange-red roofs. In Dominica each child is required to wear a uniform, and each school has a different uniform. I loved seeing them. Almost every child I waved at would wave back happily. I remember vividly this one little boy sitting on a doorstop with the door open and his mother in the background, and he was just sitting with one knee higher than the other watching the chaos pass him by. I saw him and wished I had a camera handy to capture this perfect scene. Then I realized he saw me looking at him and I waved as we passed and he waved back with his inquisitive eyes. So sweet.

For me Dominica was a highlight because of my interaction with actual people living on the island. By the end, they offered a place for C & I to stay. Part of me tried to imagine what life would be like there.. For sure it would force me to live much more simply than now and I would only need summer clothing. Black sand is everywhere because of the volcanic nature of the island. The island is so beautiful but definitely the poorest of all the islands we stopped at. To me the lack of contemporary architecture and commercialization increased my liking for the place.

This is only a bit of what I saw and what I did, but apparently it was one of my favorite parts about my trip.