Musings

As I stood at the scanner, and sneezed for the second time. I thought about how my personality could be as if the seven dwarves were coming out of me. Yes, I was sneezy in this moment. I thought about when I drop something or if someone new talks to me, I instantly become bashful, visibly in my cheeks. I can be dopey but only when I am comfortable. I feel like Doc when I put my glasses on. I definitely can be grumpy. But as I ponder the personification of my personalities, I don't want to be classified as a dwarf. Ha. I want to be someone majestic like Snow White; she is usually not my prefered princess, but since watching Once Upon A Time, I enjoy Snow's character.

My prayer for you:
To see days of freedom.
To be humbled, so as to never grow too cold.
To accept love, even when it is from a stranger.
To never belittle yourself.
To accept criticism as a chance to grow.
To be bold in what you believe.
To never put yourself in a box.
To sing because it makes you happy.
To dance with courage and expression.
To laugh at the lies that pop in your head.
To read with curiosity.
To live each day.
To be present each moment.
To thank God for every second.
Jesus loves you for you, not what you could be or what others think of you, he loves you for you. All he wants is your heart. He wants to spend time with you. He does not have an agenda for you or a checklist. His arms are open wide always waiting to receive you with warmth. Wipe away the distant God image you have in your head. He is close, talk to him and don't forget to listen.

Orange and a little bit of green

Oh the freedom to write. How I would like to write about things pertaining to things about things concerning things. However, I do know the Internet is out of control, well out of my control.

There is something about the neon lights,
the rows and rows of packaged items,
odd persons strolling about,
a glowing red box,
gf options of course,
but really its not about this at all,
the people,
the songs that echo throughout the empty aisles,
drop-it-lowing it occasionally,
can this really be the go-to place?
Is this really a favorite hobby?
This is the location that will most likely be my first music video.
okay, maybe my second.
The first music video will be more organic and natural;
trees, rolling hills, skies, and maybe a window.
Back to the fluorescent,
a weeknight phenomenon,
Shaw's. Open til midnight.

Jesus is my hope

This morning I sat on a mini-igloo. I let out a couple yelps, which is not unexpected to my roommates. As I peeled myself out of my layers to go to church, R discovers that the heat is not working. Let me just say, we were basically camping. Wow. I stood at church with my massive down jacket, as if I were wearing my own comforter to church.

 The Holy Spirit is the best teacher one can have. I have seen time after time when He has brought clarity in my mind, this includes the complexity of the bible. "Where there is no hope for the future, there is no power for the present." I still recall the night as I layed in my bed and said to R, "I have hope."Let me clarify why this statement is as powerful as it is. I would like to preface this by saying, I do know I have a lot in this world in comparison, but I do also acknowledge my personal daily struggles.

I received a strong word from the Lord, to stay put. As I wrote these two words in my journal, you would have thought I was wrestling with the pen. My face even crinkled up and my eyebrows furrowed. However, I did have the strength and faith to write it. As days passed and as I held on to obedience, I found this deep peace that was beyond my own understanding. I wanted to go explore the world, be in a new location, especially as a single person. I wanted to experience more cultures than just my own. I am a great traveler, over the past five years I have been unpacking and packing my overnight bags weekly.  I am good at it. Of course, many times I have craved consistency. For example, I had 4 toothbrushes, one at each location: Dorm, sister's apartment, parents' house, and work. Yes, this is for real, at least I have clean teeth ;). Basically I reflect on these moments because I did not want to stay put at all. I especially did not want to stay put because of a sour relationship that seems to push on a lot of my buttons including my anger button.

The transition from being a full-time student for the past 17.5 years, to this "real life" is big. All of a sudden it hits you, loans come knocking at the door and not having a constant syllabus to fuel my schedule no longer exists. I keep saying, "no one warns us!" However, people most definitely warned me, I just never understood until I stood in this gap of not knowing anything, literally, not knowing anything that was in front of me. It is overwhelming, but also exciting, but also scary. Some mornings I wake up saying, "God, I am scared." The unknown is scary. I remember someone saying, the future is scary because we forget Jesus will be with us in the future. Be present, because Jesus is in my presence.

Hope, it really does start consciously. "But hope that is seen is not hope at all. Who hopes for what he already has?" (Hebrews 8.24) I am needy and I am glad I am needy because God is near to me in my time of need. I remember the time I decided I was going to be faithful to God no matter what, as I sat next to my sister, we wrote on a piece of paper our vow to faithful to our heavenly father and that was a huge turning point in my walk with Jesus. The most ironic part of my tiny decision to be faithful to God is that He has shown me in immeasurable ways how faithful He truly is. Rather than being a wounded dog, I will stand up again in my "garment of salvation" and my "robe of righteousness," I will say Jesus is my hope and he allows my faith to grow even when injustice beats at my door. It is better to hope than sit in complacency. I rather put all my hope in Jesus than anything else. I do know He is the only faithful and true one.

 ¹¹ Then I saw heaven opened, and behold, a white horse! The one sitting on it is called Faithful and True, and in righteousness he judges and makes war. ¹²His eyes are like a flame of fire, and on his head are many diadems, and he has a name written that no one knows but himself. ¹³ He is clothed in a robe dipped in blood, and the name by which he is called is The Word of God. ¹⁴ And the armies of heaven, arrayed in fine linen, white and pure, were following him on white horses. ¹⁵ From his mouth comes a sharp sword with which to strike down the nations, and he will rule them with a rod of iron. He will tread the winepress of the fury of the wrath of God the Almighty. ¹⁶ On his robe and on his thigh he has a name written, King of kings and Lord of lords. Revelation 19.11-16